GTAS Guys Trying to Act Smart
by Quaker nuts
Summary: three factions, three storys, hundreds of idiots. Nod, Mutants, and GDI all working to get something, what is it, you'll have to wait till I get that far...
1. Chapter 1

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**This is just a comedy guys, so I'm not trying to make things accurate, so just read, review, and enjoy! **

**Chapter 1: GDI intro**

"Alright guys get up and smell the ignition oil!" A sergeant came bursting into the dank barracks covered in his GDI uniform. He was white, slightly angular face, and steely eyes with a grey crew cut. "Sarge, that's not ignition oil, that's Freddy's old underwear." Paul said, groggily getting to his feet. Paul was 22, and very tall, standing at 6'5. He had died green hair, and was slightly muscular.

"I can't help it! I don't have any other underwear, save for these spiffy pajamas!" Freddy got up and started pulling up his pajamas to his ribs. Freddy was 19, and was only in the army for one reason…They kicked him out of his house for setting fire to his dad's mocking bird, he was a exactly the standard weight and height, but mainly because of the nutritionist kept on him about it. Paul, sergeant, and everyone else in the barracks just ignored him.

"We have us a rigorous training detail for us today soldiers, so I want you up and out there in thirty seconds, or we might have a problem with the toilet!"

The soldiers were out of the barracks in less than ten. Later, they were all in the APC, and were moving out. Freddy then piped up.

"Where are we going sarge?"

"We're going on a very dangerous and possibly suicidal attack gentlemen, I hope you're ready to pay your wares!"

"_Welcome to McDonalds, how might we help you?"_

"Yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and hold the lettuce, a doctor pepper, some fries, oh, and throw in a Mcflurry!"

"Sarge, you said this was a near suicide mission!" Freddy complained, pouting in the back seat.

"It is…for your cash, now everyone pay up, I have no money!"

"Why should we give you are money sarge?"

"Remember…swirleys…"

They handed him the money fast, and he just giggled to himself as he got his food.

"Well, so far today you've managed to steal our food, what now sarge?"

"Well, Paul, now I have to see about getting you guys actual weapons!"

"Man, I hope you don't trick us into firing bb guns at Nod again!"

"Hey, I swear that was not an accident, the captain did that, he just paid me not to say anything."

Everyone in the APC groaned as they rode forwards. Soon, they were back at base, and three of the privates were now covered in ketchup from the sergeant's meal.

"I swear it slipped!" the sarge said getting off the APC.

"Yeah, but three times!"

"It could happen…"

Paul then walked closer to Freddy.

"I think the sarge is losing it Freddy, what do you think?" Freddy didn't answer.

"Freddy, what do you think?" Still no answer.

"Freddy?" Paul finally looked at Freddy to see him picking his nose with a glazed look in his eyes.

"Hey Paul, I hit the sensation part of my brain, and now I fell tingly all over, especially my leg." Paul looked down to see a dog walking on three legs and peeing on Freddy's leg while hopping along. Paul slapped his head, and continued on. The reached the armory and the sergeant stood before them.

"Alright men, now I have to give each and every one of you your very own rifle for your use. I know each of you will use it to the best of your abilities for the astounding individuals that you are…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" The sergeant then burst into laughter. Everyone just looked at him with disgust in their faces. He then finished wiping his tears from his eyes, and then controlled his breathing.

"I held it in longer than I thought I could, astounding, what a joke, the only reason you guys are getting guns is because we couldn't train commando gophers. They didn't like being bossed around, and sergeant Yip should have seen the revolution coming…god rest his soul. So just come up, grab a weapon, and please don't shoot me by accident!" The sergeant then walked away, and everyone grabbed their weapons. Freddy grabbed a disk thrower back pack.

"Do you know how to use that thing Freddy?"

"Not really Paul, but they look like Frisbees." Freddy answered taking one out and examining it, accidentally activating it. He then panicked and threw it out the door. Out of nowhere the dog that had pissed on his leg jumped for it, and exploded into a million bits.

"Wow, he blew up like a constipated wiener dog!"

"Come on Paul; let's see where the other dogs are!"

Paul grabbed Freddy's uniform and shook his finger. They then went outside to the firing ranges. Paul fired at the target, and got a 67.98 hitting percentage. Freddy licked the disks the entire time.

"Tastes like chicken!"

After nightfall, they made their way back to the barracks, and found all their belongings ransacked…with sarge looking in some other private's stuff.

"No…no…no…Hell no, what the hell is that doing…oh, well, can't let that go to waste." He said stuffing a magazine in his breast pocket. He then stood up and jumped at the sight Paul and Freddy.

"God, I wonder how many mirrors you two have broken over the past life."

"What were you doing in our stuff sergeant?" Paul asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"I was looking for…um….stuff. Ha, thought you had me there, didn't you?"

"You were looking for pictures of our homes to see if we had any younger sisters, weren't you?"

"Yes…I mean…um….no?"

"Hey, my peanut butter crackers are gone!" Freddy exclaimed shaking his sack upside down.

"Yeah, they were pretty good." The sergeant said, licking his fingers. Freddy then got a glazed look in his eyes. The next five minutes were of the sergeant screaming in pain, while Freddy slapped him hard across the face saying, "Who's your daddy!"

_Later…_

"Wow Freddy, you gave the sergeant an ass-licking!"

"I just slapped him where he deserved to be slapped!" At that moment the rest of the soldiers came in the barracks just in time to hear that last comment. They paused, and then all of them ran to the bathroom.

"Well that's one way to get everyone out…"

"Freddy, you idiot!"

"What?!" The sergeant then came bursting in again, he face red where Freddy had slapped him.

"Some news guys, HQ has switched our name. Instead of GDI, we're now GDI!"

Everyone except Freddy looked at him in confusion. Freddy was too busy hitting his head on a pole, "This…Is….fun!"

"Uh…Sarge…what's the difference?" Paul asked, cocking his head ever so slightly.

"Oh, right, instead of Global Defense Initiative, we are now the God Damn Idiots!"

Freddy piped up when he heard the news.

"Woot, now my mom owes me twenty bucks!"

"What for?"

"She bet I would be able to switch the name of my platoon to idiots or something with in two years…It's only been three months! Oh yeah!"

Everyone slapped their heads, and lay down to go to sleep, only Freddy's constant farts kept them awake.

"Smells just like home!" Freddy said rolling in his bed. Everyone ran from the barracks.


	2. Chapter 2

**I personally find it hard to write long comedy stories, so just bear with me, and read the god damn story and laugh...doctor's orders... **

**Chapter 2: Nod intro**

Commander Lint, 34, wavy hair, and an eye patch, but most of all…British, was standing in his office, in one of nod's greatest strongholds…an abandoned shoe warehouse. It was stock full of Nike shoes, slippers, runners, work boots, you name it. It was also filled with a whole ton of nod soldiers. A male secretary came forward with his papers.

"Sir just thought you would like to see this."

"Before I do Troy, may I ask how you became a nod secretary?"

"Well, I tried for uniform design, but apparently they didn't like the spandex idea…"

"Spandex?"

"It could work if you put it on right."

"Anyways, what's the problem?"

"Well, it has something to do with our name sir."

"Our name, I remember when we first started nod…"

_Flashback…_

Fat kid: You know Lint; we should form a terrorist organization or something.

Lint: Yeah, like brotherhood of nod or something.

_Ice cream vendor man walks by…_

Vendor: I should be its leader!

Lint: Why should you be the leader?

Vendor: Who ever heard of a bald ice cream vendor running a terrorist organization, I want to make it reality, besides; I'll give you both ice creams if you let me.

Fat kid: Deal!

Lint: What's your name anyways?

Vendor: Kane.

_End flashback_

"Good times…good times…"

"Uh, sir, back to me…"

"Ah, yes, what is it?"

"Well, you see, Kane didn't like your performance last year, and had us declared a separate division, we are now nod, Not Overly Dumb."

"Sweet, I always wanted to be called less than dumb."

"Yes sir."

"Hey, what are these drawings up here?" Lint said pointing to a map with red and yellow blotches everywhere.

"That's our attack plans sir."

"What do the colors mean?"

"Yellow is GDI and red is us sir."  
"Ah yes…so it's like risk?"

"What…no…."

"Alright, let's move this red blotch here, and this red blotch here, and this red blotch here." Lint said, pointing to the locations.

"Why those places sir?"

"Can't you see, these are where almost all the fast food places are…McDonalds, Burger king, Dairy Queen, etc. When they run out of fast food, they will have no choice but to surrender after they have hunger pains!"

"Yes sir…will get right on that sir."

"Oh, and bring me one of those lattes will you, I heard their very good."

"Yes sir"

The secretary left, leaving Lint to stare at his computer, before he started playing star craft.

"Pshhhhht…Booooooom…..YEEEEEEHAWWWWW….TAKE THAT ZERGS…..WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…" Lint looked up to see the secretary holding his latte with a disgusted look upon his young face.

"The game has its own sound effects sir…"

"Yeah, but mine are way more accurate…"

The secretary put the latte on his desk, and left the commander to play his game with his own sound effects. Shortly after he could hear the sound of banging and shooting. One of the guards was going to check it out, but the secretary held him.

"Don't worry, he lost, that's all." And they left it at that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Still not that long, but you will laugh...a little at least :-) **

**Chapter 3: Mutant intro**

Terry, 21, 6'2, and green blotches all over his body, made his way outside of his cozy home. He had heard reports of another raiding party to go out. Hopefully this one would bring back something other than Nike shoes; they had enough of those already. Jay walked up to him. Jay was 5'5, and looked like dwarf to the other people with a big beard and blue eyes, with a huge green blotch on his head.

"So, what's going on today Jay?"

"Terry, glad you're up, we have anther raiding party going in soon."

"Alright, let me in!"

"Alright, but first we better go get Bruno."

"I guess…"

They walked to the middle of the small town, and they heard singing. They walked closer to see Brittany spears singing, "Oops, I did it again!"

"What the hell is she doing here?" Terry asked Jay.

"Well, she's a mutant, and we need all the entertainment we can get."

"She's not a mutant!"

"Uh, hello…she shaved herself bald…"

"Good point, let's go." They continued on their way.

The finally reached Bruno's house and the whole foundation was shaking. Terry and Jay stayed outside, standing in confusion. Suddenly Bruno came shooting out of the door. He was 6'0 and very handsome for a mutant, it didn't exactly make him the best fighter, but he's better than nothing. Jay and Terry walked up to him and gave him a hand up.

"What the hell happened Bruno?" Jay asked.

"It's my wife…she's cooking!" A frying pan came out the door, and hit Bruno squarely in the face. He fell over backwards clutching his nose.

"Another scar that you'll have to explain Bruno." Terry said, helping him up again.

"I'll say it was a dog with a bomb strapped to its chest. So, what you want me for?"

"We're going on a raiding party, want to come?"

"Sure, let me grab my rocket first…" Bruno grabbed his rocket, and they made their way to an old jeep, and piled in. They continued for about three miles before they came to a dirt road. They stopped the jeep, and hid it behind one lonely bush.

"No one will see it now!" They all made their way forward and covered themselves in sand. Soon, a nod convoy came, and was coming forward.

"By the way guys…what's the plan?" Bruno asked, looking at Jay and Terry.

"I thought Terry had a plan!"

"What! I thought you had the plan!"

"You know what, screw you guys, I'll do it myself." Bruno got up, and walked right into the path of the convoy. They stopped, and all the soldiers got out and pointed their guns at him.

"Nod! I have been infected by Brittany spears!" Bruno hit a button on his rocket launcher, and "Hit me baby one more time!" came on his rocket. Bruno started to dance, and all the nod soldiers looked at him in confusion. Soon, most of them were bending up and down, and then about a minute later, they were all dancing to the music beside Bruno.

"Well that's one way, Jay, come on!" Jay and Terry made their way to the last cargo truck, and peered inside.

"Hey, Terry, look what I found…Broccoli!"

"Yeah, we can use that!"

"Carrots!"

"Woot!"

"Nuclear weapons…"

"We don't really need those…put those back before you hurt someone."

"Right…wait; there is one more…More carrots!"

"Alright! We have enough vegetables, let's go."

"What about Bruno?" They both looked to see Bruno standing among a bunch of unconscious nod soldiers.

"Wow that song wears you out, let's go back!" They all piled into the jeep, but it wouldn't start.

"Come on! Come on!"

"Jay…what's the problem?"

"Hehehe, we're out of gas…" They walked back the rest of the way shooting at Jay.


End file.
